I am the Future

Stop. Close your eyes. Picture yourself walking into the doctor's office. Who do you see? What sounds do you hear? How do you feel? Is there anything you would change?

Personally, I don't like what I see.

Growing up, I was lucky to have the best pediatrician to ever exist. She knew I was scared to be there. She knew I would faint at the sight of a needle, flinch at the thought of blood. My pediatrician, Dr. Bibi Teng, is exactly who I want to see more of in the medical field.

When I was a baby, she told my parents never to call the ER- call her first. When I first started learning to play the saxophone, she told me to bring my instrument in the office and play for her. She always gave me extra animal crackers. She always wanted to know how I was doing- both in my health and in my personal life.

As I got older, I ran into my fair share of horror stories with doctors. Doctors who pushed medications, doctors who misdiagnosed me and refused to listen to my concerns. Doctors who would only focus on my weight and not the other, more threatening problems at hand. Sadly, this is the image I saw earlier. I saw a room full of people who did not care, who did not listen, who only cared to help people that looked and acted like them.

Flash forward to 2016. This is when I met my previous primary care physician for the first time. Dr. Maria Acelejado-Onoya, Dr. A for short. Dr. A always listened to me. She didn't focus strictly on my weight, but she did offer me solutions that were realistic. She showed me other doctors who I could trust and rely on, such as my bariatric surgeon, Dr. Suggs. Dr. A gave me hope. I was 280 lbs and 19 years old the first time I saw her. I was desperate. I wanted a solution. Instead of pushing fad diets, like past doctors had done before, or blaming and shaming me (also done by previous doctors), or even blaming my parents (again, also done by doctors of my past), she got to know me. She looked at everything that was going on in my life, and she gave me options. A few months later, I came to her asking about weight loss surgery. That's when she told me about Dr. Suggs. These two doctors changed my life forever.

The first time I stepped foot into Dr. Suggs's office, I was terrified. I went alone because of the shame and guilt I felt for letting myself reach that level of discomfort and that level of an unhealthy lifestyle. That all went away as soon as we started talking. He asked me about my life. What I had been through. What choices I had made that got me in the place I was in. There was no judgment, only concern and care. That same day, we scheduled my first visit with my first dietician.

Upon meeting my first dietician, I was, again, exceedingly nervous. I don't eat fruits nor veggies nor... a lot of healthy things, to be quite honest. I have always been a picky eater. My dietitian didn't shame me. Instead, she asked me if there were ways I could think of to try to incorporate those healthy foods into my life. We brainstormed together, and we came up with a solution.

Jump forward to 2020. The year the world shut down. I was miserable. I could barely bring myself out of bed to go to work. My mental health was in shambles. I finally made the decision to go to therapy, after many bad experiences in the past- therapists who would not keep information confidential, therapists who tried to push their personal beliefs on me, and therapists who just pushed medication that wasn't right for me. As with all of those other experiences before, I was yet again terrified.

But my friend Ryan let me know very quickly that I was doing everything I could do to help myself heal and move forward. Instead of calling me lazy for playing video games, he told me he was so proud that I found something that brought me joy and comfort. Instead of telling me I should be focused more on school or work, he asked to see my artwork. When my medication wasn't working as well, he fought for me to find something that worked for me. When I was blaming myself for the toxic relationship I was in, he reminded me that I could leave and that I deserved to be treated with respect. But the best thing he did for me was remind me that even though I felt like I was falling behind in life, I'm still on the road- I'm just taking an alternate route. I'm not falling behind, I'm just simply moving to the same place on a different path.

In June of 2021, I moved out of state for the first time in my life. I met my new primary care physician, Dr. Sandy Brannin. Like my old primary care physician, she listens to me. I was struggling with my ADHD diagnosis when I first moved. I was $3500 in credit card debt because I had never really been properly treated. We started brainstorming ways to help me. She started me on a new medication. This medication saved my finances. Instead of impulse shopping, I was helping out at home, doing my class work, spending time with my boyfriend. I had energy to live and be productive. When I thought I had Covid-19, she cleared a spot in her busy schedule to make sure I was safe and that I was going to get proper treatment.

So why did I only see the negative things when I closed my eyes?

Unfortunately, too many times the bad outweighs the good. Too many times, we only see the things that impacted us harder. For me, those horrific experiences made a lasting impression. I hated going to the doctor for years. I distrusted every doctor, every nurse, every therapist. Even still, I'm very hesitant.

So now, I want you to close your eyes one more time. What do you want to see? What sounds do you want to hear? What do you want to feel?

That image you just created in your head? That is exactly who I am going to be someday. I am the future of medicine, and I want to see a room full of doctors like Dr. Teng, Dr. A, Dr. Suggs, Ryan, and Dr. Brannin. What future will you create?